When I grow up I want to be a Tourist: anxiety

For a couple pf months now i have been reading the blog "NieNniedialogue s". I just couldn't take my eyes of it. I don't know if you heard about her story? She is a mother to 4 chidren and was involved in an almost fatal plane crash. Anyway after a long ordeal at the hospital and rehab she seems to be doing better and a couple of weeks ago she posted for the very first time a picture ofr her "new" face. I think she still looks goergoeus, there is just something in her eyes that radiates and makes her beautiful, and believe ne she was looking amazing before. I can only imagine how hard it must be to get used to not looking like yourself anymore. She seems so brave and i admire her for that. The EXCITING news is that she announced she will be on Oprah tomorrow. Unfortunately we don't get to see this show here in Europe, except for some reruns on a dutch channel but they seem so far behind.

Read the New York Times story about Stephanie and Christian Nielson's plane crash and the enormous blogger support.

I really, really hope i can catch a glimpse of that show, or maybe i can order a copy of the show??

Now i am into her sister Courtney's blog and found out about the website "Cardiganempire". I will have to check that out more in detail. Apparently she gives great tips on how you can get yourself a makeover, what clothes, colors, shapes fit your body shape.

I currently feeld hideous, i gained so much weight i have to run in potato sacks all day long and well... feel like cap when i sit next to my Armani suited coworkers (me in my saggy H&M clothes that dont fiit right and stuff) I also think that i need to realize i am not 25 anymore and should maybe consider dressing more like a woman and not follow eery fashion trend like plaited shirts,...

I wish i could look like this:

photo taken from Cardiganempire

Also on th news: i had another nervous breakdown during the past couple of days. The weather here is gloomy, the atmosphere at work is horrible, i am given the most boring things to do,.... So in a moment of despair i wrote a demission letter to the secretary of my boss. 2 hours later i told her to take it back, but she asured me it was the right way to go. Two hours later i changed my mind again and called her again to tear the letter into pieces.... Today i went to work and all was fina again, almost... So thank god i didn't snap and the boss didn't have the time to read it yt. But apparently some changes are in the air that could be good for me and my health which is degrading constantly since i have started to work at his f.... place. Thank god it is well paid...

It has been a while since my last post. At that moment i was all excited about my upcoming roadtrip to Canada and the US and most of all to see one of the best rock bands ever in Toronto - Pearl Jam on August 21th at the Molson Amphitheater. I heard it was an amazing gig - but i didn't attend.

Two days before i was supposed to leave for Toronto i was sitting in my office sipping on a cup of coffee when i got a phone call. I was told that my dad has passed away during the night. I was in utter shock and immediately broke down and started sobbing like a baby. Thank god some colleagues where present to cofort me a bit.

This was totally unexpected. He was only 63 years old. Ok, he never was the fittest person, he didn't practice any sports and was more of a carpe diem kind of person who loved a good meal and a good bottle of wine. But still no one would have thought he was sick. But on that sunday it was quite hot, this heavy and humid hotness that makes breathing harder. Apparently he felt sick for the whole day, threw up a lot and only at 11 pm he called an ambulance. An hour later he was dead.

That day was an utter chaos. I drove up north to my mum's house, drove back to the city to get the official papers and the death certficate from the hospital and to declare hs death at the townregister. It was an ordeal. It was so hot, i passed from anger to crying and back to anger.

Of course i had to cancel my trip because the funeral was only set for Thursday but i would have had to leave on Wednesday. And anyway i am not sure I could have enjoyed this holiday. Still i absolutely wanted to sing along to Perl Jam's "Alive" and think of the fact that i am still here.

After the funeral i fell into a severe depression. I just stayed at home, sleeping, waking up, staring at the walls, sleeping again, yelling at my boyfriend. Then suddenly i had mood swings and became a total maniac. One night i hadn't slept at all and all night long i was thinking that i would love to buy myself a little consolation gift ( i know you can't replace a person with material things). So i lay awake next to my sound asleep boyfriend and just waited for him to go to work. Then i snuck out and went to a shopping mall because i wanted to buy a MacBookPro. I was at the mall at 9 but the electronics shop only opened at 10. so what did i do? i spent the hour trying on a million clothes and bought myself a skirt (at the end of summer and i am not at all a skirt person) and a couple of t-shirts and a purse/wallet by the brand Desigual. They are a spanish brand that i discovered recently in Madrid. They do very original and colorful stuff, a little bit in the style of Custo Barcelona.

Here is a picture of my new favourie skirt, it just has more blue and turquoise tones:

One of the T-shirts had some dirty words about religion printed on it.. I just had to buy it. In my country it is a tradition that after the funeral a mass is being held. I was raised catholic a little bit but since i was 11 i told my parents i had become an atheist. So for me it was quite hard to be in this church, sitting trough a mass of 1 hour when all you want to do is cry and listen to some nice music and talk to friends. I really didn't agree with lots of the words of the priest and from time to time i was even close to laughing - can you imagine?

The priest kept on to this ridiculous metaphor, that the world is only like a camping or a tent and that now my dad has a real home. Come on, he owned 2 houses, he never lived in a tent, well whatever, i was happy when it was over. I don't want to hurt believers, i am just not one of them and on that particularly hurtful day i was quite bothered to having to listen to this.

Oh and did i tell you that the day of the funeral was the hottest day of the year. I had my purse filled with water bottles, everything felt so heavy and i almost fainted at one point but tried to put on a brave face. In the evening a heavy thunderstorm passed over our village. I thought it was quite fitting the general mood...

Then i got back home and to my apathic state of mind...

I notice i drifted away from the original topic.

Well during my shopping frenzy i got my MacBook, put it in the car and went back to the mall and then i literally bought all the other shops. I haven't spent so much in months. In 2 shops togehter i must have bought 3 coats, 10 t-shirts, blouses for work, accessories i don't need, but at least i was occupied. I was carrying aroud so much stiff my hand had aleady incisions and marks from one of the well filled shopping bags. I carried piles and piles into the fitting rooms and bought stuff i will probably never wear.

But this was still not over. aft

er that i headed to the Garden center, bought tons of colorful flowers to make a butterfly garden, went home and planted like crazy. By that time it was alread 6 in the evening after a night without sleep and hardcore shopping. i was just like a Duracell rabbit and couln't stop doing things.

The next days where the total opposite again, i was depressed, slept a lot, pitied myself and was full of fear to go back to work. This went on for days. Then my boyfriend convinced me to book a last minute trip to get me out of this place that is stuffed with memories and that my dad built with his 2 hands. 2 days later we were on a plane to Egypt to do some relaxing and diving/snorkelig in the lovely red sea. I have now found a new love - Underwater love... These fish where so georgeous, i really must get serious with passing this diving licence.

And one of the advantages of the insomnia was that i got to observe for the very first time in my life a sunrise. I am not kidding. I am 31 but have never seen a proper sunrise. This one was amazing. A pink ball rising over the sea and the jetty. The moon was still present on the other side. This moment felt great. i was all by myself, just equipped with a camera and enjoyed the calm and peacefulness of tis morning. I felt happy for the first time since D-Day.